Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
