I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
