If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
