i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
