Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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