two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
