I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
