you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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