is your mom at the bar?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
