I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
