So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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