My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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