I cannot find my penis.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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