I think I won the penis lottery.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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