Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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