saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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