I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
