Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
