lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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