This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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