New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
