Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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