my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
