I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
