A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
