and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
