I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
