When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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