god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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