the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
