My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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