when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
