I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
