you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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