GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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