The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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