I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I am naked and annoyed.
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