I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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