Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
