I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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