What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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