Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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