I just saw a hot homeless man
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
