I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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