It's like God shit irony all over that family
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
