Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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