I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
