She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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