Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
pray to the hookup gods
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
