So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
