I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
